Adam was standing close to the edge of the stairs and was looking up at the ceiling instead of being aware that he would topple over the edge if we took half a step forward. We say to him, “Adam, look at your feet!” He stops, sits down, lifts his foot up and takes a good look at it. Toddlers, so literal.

Addy has been saying lots of new words and string two and sometimes three words together. Favourites are “Gracie’s bottle” and “monkey bars.”

My birthday was super relaxed, which was perfect. Grace and Eli brought us some oats in bed (including the obligatory overflowing in the microwave), we took the morning slow, drank coffee, baked cakes, read and then went to find some geo-caches in the nature reserve. Slow and perfect.

We stopped for a quick photo on the poles on the side of the road. It wasn’t long and then Eli took a tumble backwards (which Grace thought was hilarious), and he was soon followed by his little brother (at which point Donné collapsed with laughter )

The long, arduous journey to the first geo-cache (it was about 300m)

Which Grace and Eli quite liked seen as it was filled with Stikeez and collectables

Finding a second cache at a part of the nature reserve we had never been to

2017 has been a difficult year for me so far. I guess it actually started at the end of last year when my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. So many emotions engulf one when you hear the C word; fear of the process, fear of her pain both physically and emotionally and fear of death. Coupled with that fear comes so much guilt, guilt from not being able to send her for private treatment to not being there when she is at her worst.  

Besides this emotional turmoil playing out in my world, it’s been a year filled with hubby having huge work commitments which has taken away time from us as a family.  Earlier starts, later finishes, missed lunches and a tired and often disengaged husband and father,  has added extra pressure to me both as mother and wife. I feel his absence terribly, he is my rock, my support, my love. 

So how does this stuff permeate my world? I would like to say I’ve built a wall that protects me and allows me to function in my present, to be the mother my 3 kids need me to be, to be the supportive wife, and to run a household.  But that isn’t true. 

Instead it’s me making small insignificant things into mountains, it’s me shouting at my kids and feeling exacerbated when the toddler empties out the puzzle pieces for the 4th time in a row or destroys yet another something, it’s me drowning in a feeling of helplessness, it’s me shoving my face with whatever it takes to get through the day, it’s me isolating myself from friends, it’s me not having energy to be present with my kids, it’s me hiding in social media even though there’s nothing to see or read, and it’s me lost in a world with no purpose. 

Now granted not all days are like this, and some days I feel on top of the world, ready to handle anything that comes my way, to be what everyone needs me to be and be there for me. These are the good days or good moments, because even bad days can have good moments. 

I guess my question is how do I come out of this downward spiral? Sometimes I wish I drank alcohol, maybe it would be enough to take the edge off,  or at least get me through those drowning moments?  Or maybe I am clininally depressed and need meds and a psychologist?  This probably would be my first option if money wasn’t an issue, but it is so I keep searching… Maybe if I find some purpose, or maybe if I exercise more, or maybe if I start taking better care of me, my body, lose some weight,  or maybe or maybe. And yet here I sit, with the bit of me time I have, stealing chocolate from the kids stash, checking Facebook, and contemplating whether I should watch some TV. 

So I guess I want to know, how does one climb a mountain you have no desire to climb?  My gut says with a loving supportive family and community to help you, encourage you, and to have your back when you feel like quitting. 

It certainly sounds like the ideal solution, but sadly it probably isn’t, not in the society we live in. Family, and friends have their own families and lives, their own struggles and pains. What I’ve written about isn’t unique to me, I would guess most can relate to some of my struggles. And yet we suffer alone…. Putting on brave happy faces, projecting for the world to see that we have it all together…

Why? Why do we do that? When did Western society become all about proving that we can do all things on our own, about smiling and being happy always, when did it become about being able to raise kids in the ‘correct’ way, having a career, and never looking or feeling like this is hard. When did life become so rushed that you don’t even know how your friends are really doing?  

Maybe that’s what I’m doing at the bottom of my mountain, just trying to be still and quiet, catch my breath. But it won’t let me. It needs me to climb, it needs me to be present. So I ask again how does one climb a mountain you have no desire to climb?  

We decided to go for a ride at the bike track, but also to ride there instead of taking the car. This meant 2km there and 2km back, negotiating roads and cars, as well as having to come back up the long hill. We had a brilliant ride and we all enjoyed it. Eli mastered his brakes today which made the whole ride much better for him. Both of them worked hard at the bike track to go up the hills, and there was only some moaning from Grace about how she wanted me to get mom to come and fetch us on the way home. We took it slow, but I was very happy that we managed to get all the way home on our own.