I have caught myself using that expression many times, but in truth I am beginning to think a holiday is as good as a holiday and well change is change.

I would definitely not put me in the change averse category and often welcome change and all it brings with it, but in truth the last few weeks I have struggled with the changes I have had to face.

Duncan and I had a look at the budget in January which always elicits a fight or flight response in me. I want to run, but I want to fight. It isn’t pretty and I don’t like me very much. I get angry with Duncan, my brain says it’s not possible to spend so little on groceries, I want to be obstinate, I blame, I feel guilty for my part and more than anything I want to ostrich with a pillow over my head and cry.

I think about the decisions we (Duncan and I) make and the impact it will have on our family if we can’t figure this out.

This has been my last couple of weeks. Duncan has taken over grocery shopping because I don’t believe it’s possible on our budget. And yes that’s a terrible attitude. I feel indignant I have already given up so much, we are not extravagant in how we live and now I have to give up more…. And its this change in how we live that I am mourning.

Instead of being on the same team with Duncan I have been fighting him like a caged animal the last few weeks and it really sucks.

As I sit here writing this I realise that the fight and anger appears to be gone (well mostly) and my overriding feeling is one of sadness. That sadness where you want to hide from the world, where answering a ‘how you doing?’ message, feels like a lot of effort and what do you say to that anyway!

I want to say I’m moving into the acceptance phase but to be honest I don’t think I’m there yet. What I do know is that I want to make it work, I want to model living well for my kids and for me, I want to show them (and me) that we can make the necessary sacrifices and be okay. That the old saying ‘money can’t buy you happiness’ is in fact true and that we can still do with much less and be totally comfortable and happy.

So for today and hopefully the next and the next I will focus on what I do have, keeping my eye on the prize of love and family and making it work.